Second-Guessing

I drove myself to my counseling appointment for the first time today. I thought I would remember the way, having been a passenger so many times before, and wouldn’t need to turn on my phone’s map app. I thought I knew all of the familiar landmarks. I read the highway signs, made the correct turns, passed the right landmarks, and then on the second-last turn, I noticed a few things that I hadn’t noticed before and it threw me into doubt. I thought I had turned too early, so I went back out and took a meandering road through the wrong summer village. Then I assumed that I had turned too early off of the main highway, so I headed back out onto it and carried on west for another mile and a half. When I saw houses that I definitely did not remember, and signs for other places, I knew that I had to stop, text my therapist, and start up my phone app. Guess what? I had done all of the right things the first time. I had been on the right road, headed in the right direction. All I had needed to do was go on a slight bit further, to the top of a rise in the road, and I would have known where I was and could have made it to my appointment on time.

I feel like this is the perfect metaphor for so many times in my life when I was headed in the right direction, then second-guessed myself out of fear and went meandering in the wrong places.

It was nice when my husband took me to my appointments. It felt safe. I wasn’t alone and the burden of getting me where I needed to go was on him. But there is something very important about practicing self-reliance, courage, and independence. My drive alone today was a small step, but still, a baby step in the right direction in my fight against anxiety.

My therapist and I had a different kind of session today. I’m taking the summer off, so perhaps this influenced our discussion topics. One of the main points made was that ‘this is My Time’. I need to use my life experiences and passions and creativity to accomplish the things that God has called me to. I need to write and speak and maybe plan retreats or ??? … so many ideas… And so, I am going to spend my summer dreaming and writing and maybe even try my hand at a pod-cast. 🙂 I am entering in all messy and broken and a little bit excited. I have fears and doubts. I can think of several excuses why I shouldn’t attempt anything. But as my therapist (in a roundabout way) said, she doesn’t want me to have regrets over not having lived my life fully.

Chances are, I’m going to get scared at the unfamiliar. I’m not going to recognize myself, or maybe I’ll see parts of myself that I just don’t know well enough to like yet. It might even feel like I’m heading the wrong way. If that happens, I hope that instead of turning around, I just push through to the top of the hill, get my bearings, and continue on my way to where I know I need to go.

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