Look beyond

Stormy weather today. The roads are thick with snow and slush. I had my doctor’s appointment in a nearby town this afternoon and my husband had a ministerial meeting so I drove us in our suv. I needed to use the 4×4 to get through our village and onto the highway. A semi trailer had gone into the ditch and blocked our only road to/from the highway. Thankfully I could drive through a plowed driveway to get around it. My driver’s side wiper had issues before I could get onto the highway. My husband was able to tighten it with a socket wrench but we were very concerned with the blowing snow, slushy roads, and crazy drivers. The wiper made it to town and back but needed tightening after every 6 swipes. Good thing I’ve experienced freezing rain and stuck wipers many times, — I’ve trained my eyes to look beyond the raindrops on my windshield.

My appointment went well but I cried. I hate losing control over my emotions but the swells are too big just now.

I got my prescriptions filled and took my antidepressant medication right away. I can’t wait any longer. My head is breaking… like spring thaw on the river back home, when thick sheets of ice get pushed around and piled up and carried by swiftly flowing mountain water. My thawing emotions and desire for healing is breaking my insides and spilling out of me.

I cried off and on as I waited for my husband’s meeting to finish; after the garage in town – that we have spent thousands of dollars at over the past 12 years – couldn’t make time to check my wiper situation out; after I picked up a sweet, frazzled, acquaintance and dropped her where her husband was – as he couldn’t find his car keys; as I struggled for composure and calm to drive us home safely in the worsening weather with a bad windshield wiper nut/bolt. Thank God – we didn’t need wipers while on the highway. He saw us through.

After getting home, I cried off and on some more. It’s just been a hard day.

My mother called and though I am proud of myself for how it went, it was hard. I regret answering. Her memory is going. It has been for some time. False memories were brought up. Some I corrected; some I left alone. I was incredulous, stunned in my silent sussing, “What on earth is she thinking? How did she come to that conclusion?” I still don’t get it. But my takeaway is: my mother is detrimental to my health. Her blood literally, unknowingly, tried to kill me in the womb, and every false memory and criticism of me since does the same. When I was born, there was concern that I needed a blood transfusion; I think I need a symbolic one now.

Look beyond those half-frozen raindrops…

I don’t want to go ‘no-contact’ with either of my parents. But I do want relationships with them on my terms. I want life. Freedom. Tenderness. Love. I will settle for no more harm.

This is at the heart of my most desperate, destructable thoughts: I just want the pain to stop.

Find the line along the shoulder. Watch the dotted lane lines. Stay in your lane. Look up a little ahead of you…

Yes, it was a hard day. Some days are like that. But I have hope that the medication will soon kick in, I will keep at my healing, and God surrounds me in it all.

He will help me to look beyond.

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