
Gracefully Broken
This is the beautiful heart-cry song that I started writing with this afternoon. The thought of being ‘gracefully broken’ is one of those bitter-sweet musings… how God can use the hard circumstances in life that break us to bring about good.
I’ve been thinking on where my church leadership journey has been and where I am now. I’m not even talking about being a pastor’s wife. That is separate and certainly a part, but God isn’t boxing me in with that role. Being a pastor’s wife gives a type of influence, but is also restrictive. I’m thinking about being a 12 year old girl who started playing piano for church services. I’m remembering being a 14 year old teenager who not only played piano, but worked in the nursery with the babies and toddlers; jr. church with the preschoolers; and still played piano – giving me 1 Sunday a month where I didn’t have to do anything extra to serve and could just sit. I remember being a Vacation Bible School helper and then teacher. I remember being mentored by strong, Christian women in my church over the years. Bible studies, worship teams, conferences, seminars, services, meetings, lessons, all contributed to my education and faith in God.
It wasn’t enough to keep me from rebelling and choosing my own path as a young adult. It doesn’t keep me in some perfect state of christianity now.
I have to choose it.
And through my years of being a pastor’s wife (coming up 17 years), I have had a lot of breaking experiences. Breakings that I didn’t choose. Breakings that tested my faith, caused me to doubt my husband’s calling as a pastor, and tore apart a lot of relationships.
My reconstruction of broken pieces is taking a long time. It’s a lifetime really. God, piecing me together, has smoothed rough edges, thinned out bitter thicknesses, layered up the too-easily hurt openings, shaved off the ugly bits, replacing everything that isn’t reflecting His image. I will continue to be perfected through His gentle, loving, strong, hands.
I love God as my Father.
I struggle with my earthly father.
Are we allowed to struggle to love others as Christians? Our friends, neighbors, parents, siblings, the horrible driver, the irritating co-worker, …? To say anything other than ‘yes’ would be disingenuous.
I’ve been reading through L.M. Montgomery’s, ‘Anne’ series of books. We are currently in, ‘Anne of the Island’ and Gilbert has proposed for the first time and Anne has turned him down. She isn’t ready, even though it’s clear to everyone that they are meant for each other. She has an ideal in her head of how things are supposed to be and some foggy image of what perfection in a mate looks like and her ideal and her reality are just not on the same page.
My fathers are not on the same page.
These are the cards I’ve been dealt. I don’t have to understand them but I do have to come to some sort of acceptance of the reality of them. I don’t have to blow up my wall of healthy, defensive, boundaries that protect me from my dad’s mental illness. I can accept that this is what I need in order to be safe.
Perhaps my biggest struggle is that if my Dad passes away, there will be no more chances to redeem the painful memories of the past. I’ll just be left with what has been and is.
When my Dad was sending me a quick email while waiting for the ambulance to come get him, he listed the most important memories to him of our times together. They were few and brief, all from my childhood, and included some bitterness he still holds against my mother, but they were the words that he wanted to say to me, ‘just in case…’
My Dad loves me so imperfectly.
Mirror: I love him imperfectly too.
I wish that it was different, but mental illness and bad choices and bad memories and sin all separate, divide, disintegrate.
This is a perfect moment to be ‘gracefully broken’.
But I’m afraid to break.
Again.
I’m afraid of anger taking over – resentment against God, against my Dad, against anyone that is connected with making my Dad who he is…. I’m afraid of bitterness building up into a raging fire of uncontrollable proportions.
and just saying all of that is such a release
poison that turns into a truth serum and becomes a harmless, salty tear
Take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire
Oh, take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
My heart stands in awe of Your name
Your mighty love stands strong to the end
You will fulfill Your purpose for me
You won’t forsake me, You will be with me
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Pouring out my life again
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Oh, gracefully
All to Jesus now
All to Jesus now
Holding nothing back
Holding nothing back
I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
Here I am, God
Arms wide open (here I am, here I am)
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Here I am, God
With my arms wide open (with my arms wide open)
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken, oh
Your power and work in me
I’m broken gracefully
I’m strong when I am weak
I will be free
Your power and work in me
I’m broken gracefully
I’m strong when I am weak
I will be free, yeah
Your power and work in me (work in me)
I’m broken gracefully (broken gracefully)
(I’m strong when I am weak)
I will be free (I will be free)
Your power and work in me
Are gonna work in me (I’m broken gracefully)
I’m strong, I’m strong
I will be free
Your power and work in me (your work in me)
I’m broken gracefully (I’m so broken)
I’m strong when I am weak (I’m strong)
I will be free
Your power and work in me
I’m broken gracefully (I’m broken gracefully)
I’m strong when I am weak
I will be free
Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken
Songwriters: Natasha Tameika Cobbs Leonard / Jonas Carl Gustaf Myrin / Matthew James Redman / Bryan James Torwalt / Katelin Michelle Torwalt
Gracefully Broken lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group